8 days with(out) you

15 12 2017

margarida PB

I recommend this reading by listening to the following songs: Stan Getz 

(You know, just my style 😊 )

 

It’s been 8 days since you left. And still, I wake up madginly worried about you. I can imagine this situation isn´t  easy for you, either. After all, we decided to end it all when we faced our first obstacule when we were face to face, eye to eye. What is more painful, is that we know there’s still so much love, affection, and a huge desire to care for each other. Maybe there´s still an inconcious and intense wish to try one last time. Yes, my prince. We´ve been planning something different now. Today, I believe both of us would like to have something that was more than what we had.

I wake up in the eighth day without you. I mean, without the possibility of ever having you back. The first thought that comes to my mind is the image of your body sleeping next to me. First, I feel the fabric of the pillow with my hands and if I put some effort in my nose it´s possible to feel you. My sheets still have your particulars smells. I remembered that sometimes, during the night, I woke up with a terrible cramp in my left arm, where your head gently rested all night. I never told you this, because for me,  worth it to feel any pain just to see you sleeping like an angel, by my side. In my arms. As you used to say, with such affection.

We can´t ordered that someone loves us, but we should just leave them in the past in case they reject us. Crazy social rules, non? I mean, I can´t suffer because you don´t love me, you, in your side should felling relieved to don´t start this relationship with someone you can´t love. Someone like me, too damage to anyone. I was wondering about it these days, but we can talk about this, you know, in another time.

I would love to tell you that everything has been ‘Supér’. But the truth is that the days haven’t been easy. It’s nothing related just with you, maybe a little. It’s nothing serious, just my heart beating and wanting that we have keep it going. I know, I’ll get over it. I need it. But in the last Sunday for example was one of the most complicated days. Firstly because I had to explain to my mother – who had separated a plant for you to take home – the reason for your early departure. Second, because I had to make a huge effort to smile, so people wouldn’t notice that who was there was just a ghost wandering through the lunch table. Third, there was only so much shame over me. All, because of this situation that I proposed myself, and the worst, at my own choice. Despite everyone warning me about your signs,  too hard to read at that time. Even you, honestly saying clearly to me that we were in different steps. Well, probably I have some problem in my mind. However, I survived to the ´Shit Sunday’ as I named the day.  Now, I think back on these days and recalls the words of poet, Kathleen Stewart, who wrote of a similar heartbreak: ‘that week ate to itself, slice after slice.’

I’ve been read a lot about how to overcome rejection. My goal is to find some solution that will put me in the right direction of life without you, or without this dream that I build up in my secrect world. I urgently need to make some decisions around unemployment, future, living abroad, this apartment that now remembers you, my money, kind of affective life I want to have, and so on. I hope you’re trying to be okay too, doing whatever you need to do. To be easier for me, I’m reading theories wrote by Freud with  many  different thoughts, I´m listening music and writing letters to you ,that I will never give to you. So, I put myself to think about many things to feel myself alive. I’m hardly trying to be functional. Through reading, I’ve discovered a text by Alain de Botton, which gives philosophical clues to dealing with rejection, everything in some kind of cartoon animation it shows a couple splitting up their relationship. The script say: ‘the only good relationship, the only relationship worth mourning, would be one to which two people desperately wanted to belong. This was not – in the end – despite all the signs – that kind of a relationship at all.’

I wondered if we both desperately wanted to belong to this relationship? I answered seconds later with a big and loud YES. YES, we both wanted to build a relationship. I may have acted in a desperate way and you always have a natural and restrained way, hoping for this “feeling” that I could never understand what it was. Were we wrong to act in different ways? No, absolutely. However, among natural exaggerations, I think we lost each other.

I asked myself why I was so dramatic. But I absolved myself, few minutes later, because you know, I’m Brazilian. In ‘Tupiniquins lands’ people are so dramatic. Then I wondered if I’d be overreacting to come here and write you these words. I concluded definitely that yes, I would. But the way I see things, it’s a waste of time to talk about you with someone else. So, I preferred to come here and put down these words.

However, I promised to myself that this would be one of the last letter´s . I would truly love to be your friend, but I cannot, at least not right now. That it would be unfair, not just for me. I’m a persistent person in worrying levels, and it would be a crap for you to deal with my insanity. To be honest, it would be unhealthy to be ‘just friends’, it will sounds weird, we will loose something that we already had. We could propose to each other now, just a ‘soft’ friendship, nothing sincere and intense as I´d like to mantain. And it is impossible for me to maintain a friendship with you without feed my passionate mind with some hope around you. Hopes that you didn´t give to me, and honestly, it will take time for you give to me, and I don’t have time to wait. It’s not that you are not worth the wait, you worth it. But I’ve waited for you too long. So, just for now, I’d rather leave the door open for whenever you want to, get in with your love, your availability, and your desperate desire to belong to this relationship and be my boyfriend – nothing more, nothing less.

I’m sorry to write you and speak so directly and openly about what I feel. I´m nothing  doing this to hurt you, I’m just relieving something here in me, something that just needs to go out toward you, not to someone with opinions based on experiences that I did not have. You don´t need to read my crap, it´s just my inner voice who needs to get out. That said, I’ve been talking with few friends, and one of them has told me an interesting theory about ending-relationship processes. The theory said that a ending love usually follows the same phases for both involved, following the logic of 1st Denial, 2nd Acceptance, 3rd Reaction and Redemption. This last phase involves self forgiveness, that´s why it´s more challenging.  This last one, told me something about us.  We’ll need to forgive ourselves for missing out ‘amazing guys’ like us. Just for the record, after filling some type of questionnaire, I’m on the first step, dening our end, according to this theory.

But you know, I love myself and I love you. In fact, I’ve been learning to love myself since you came into my life, this it would be your legacy. So, thank you for that. And thank you for all the other things you made me realize about me, including my youthful and impractical ideals.

I would like to end by saying different things, but again I will say that I still have many doubts regarding our history. Some of them I will solve alone, with the strangest excuses you will ever imagine. The other ones, I don’t think you know how to answear, even  those doubts being about yourself. For all of them, we have time. The hours and endless possibilities.

I’m so glad for your love, for your affection and concerns. And just to say it again, there is still much love here. Love for you, and for the idea of having our space, our Labrador, our place in the world amid 70,000 plants and a healthy life. I’m sure there’s a lot of love in you too, take care of it as best you can. Someday, If you’ve been needing, you can to empower yourself with my love. Especially when you lack loving and a tender look about yourself.

I need to end this book, almost letter, but in fact just an e-mail that I wrote by my smartphone.

I hope you’ll be fine. My end it’s still be: I am here! But without predictions of waiting or chance. It is a ‘I am here’, convinced and believing that any relationship is possible, mainly if we can respect ourselves as human beings. Despite all romanticism and all songs about relationships, I think if we can manage the respect for one another, as humans being and individuals as we are,  everything is possible. So, I’m here with my arm extend for you to put your head and be my angel for many nights among my sheets that I can’t wash up intending to keep you around.

Always…

Muitos Beijos.

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