Blue

17 12 2017

Days Insta2

‘There is no head that doesn’t command the heart and there is no love unbreakable. There is no anger that forgiveness doesn’t forget nor humor that eventually doesn´t annoy’.

Free translation of  ‘Nāo há cabeça‘, a song interpreted by Angela Ro Ro (Brazilian Singer) EM 1979

 

I recommend to read listening: Não há cabeça – Pélico

You’re gone. It’s 1:00 p.m. and the heat in São Paulo sucks. The clouds are floating in the blue sky, this movement itself reminds me the color of your blue eyes. Color of which I will be orphan for now on. My house remains untouched. I’m trying don’t move myself inside. My intention is to preserve any remember from you that could be here. No, I don´t want to listen music. I don’t want to hear anything beyond the life and their irrational noises. Since you went out, I didn’t left the couch – where we shared the last moments of our brief experience. Your smell is still here. You’re still here with me. I’m telling to myself between ridiculous sobs, that you got out just to buy wine at the grocery, or even buy some cigarettes at the bakery. Oh! If you need some help with Portuguese Language, just call to me on whatsapp It would be amazing to help you. I always be here to help you. Are you coming back soon, aren’t you? Yeah, I’m a fucking drama queen or just an asshole. You can choose.

It took me a few hours to start writing to you. I’m doing this on my cell phone with wet eyes and trembling fingers. It’s afternoon or are we in the dawn? I don’t know. I just know you don’t reached your destination yet. You must be in somewhere between the atlantic and the hell. I don’t want  to know and I do. I’m lost, hopeless a trash. Since you gone, all the hopes that I fed for a year, also let the house, my body and my soul. Yes, I waited a fucking year or more. I’m not aware about what exactly didn’t work yet. You know, I did everything so well. I seeded and fertilize so much this love. I let enough time in the Sun, I sang for it to grow up happy, healthy and beautiful. I tooke care so much of this love even without any reasonable motivation. For now, I’m sure that I wanted it this love so much, but now, it’s over.

What remains, beyond your fateful and out loud: ‘I see you as a friend’,  was just an anguish and it turns into something that hurts. Is not hatred, neither anger, also It’s not love.

Yeah, I know, it’s so ‘cliché’ all this crap. However, it hurts so much that I needed to shape it.  The act to write, is to me just a royal way to turn something very subjective – like feelings – into something that people can touch. You can be thinking that I’m writing to you, but thruth be told, I’m writing to myself. Maybe to someone else who could identifies itself with my pain, maybe just for you become aware of what I’m feeling. Yes, I will write to tell about the days you´ve taken from me. Now, it will be just something that I need to do for me. However, it will full with a bunch of letters addressed to a supposed you, but deep down it may not be really you. Did you understand? Forget it. So, I write this kind of book, email, letter, blog or simple whatsapp message to remind myself about everything. I want to captivate,  to store and eternalize everything. This is my purest and insolent desire at this moment and for some reasons I need to satisfy it. I also write because I’m tired to be an asshole. I´m so tired to be someone always felt in love by another who simply don’t care. You know, I need to improve this feeling turning all this “mela mela” that my life becomes after a rejection in something functional and productive. To be honest, I’m not sure about what I’m going to write next. I couldn’t answer to myself why I’m here dedicating my time and typing on this cell phone that shrinks every minute. I don’t know. I think I’d just like to say a few things to you but mainly to myself. This reminds me an excerpt from Clarice Lispector, the writer I introduced to you. That says: “… I write to save myself”. Yes, I want to be saved from me. I want to minimize the damage this time, I deserve it and I need it.

Well, I’ll try to get some sleep, some wine can help. I need to remember that it’s just an ending that supposed relationship. I cannot forget that you didn´t wanto to. The life goes on, it´s true.

For now,

See you.

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